A Reason to Live

Christian Testimony of Sue Wayman

Sue 2004

I’m sure my parents loved me and tried to do their best for me but the main impression I had from my childhood was that of not being wanted. I was the middle child, the second girl. My older sister was first to do everything and my younger brother was the boy, adored by my grandmother in particular. I felt I was in the way. I look back with a lot of unhappy memories of being picked on by my sister, lots of hand-me-down clothes and not having very many friends at school.

When I was about eleven years old I decided to end it all and I tried to kill myself. Whilst I was trying to end my miserable life I had a very strong impression in my mind - all but an audible voice saying, “If you do that you will never know me and you will never know if things would have got better.” That is when I really started to search for God. I used to go for long walks, looking up to the sky and talking to Him. It was also around that time when we had a group of Christian singers visit from the United States at school. Later, at one of their public meetings I responded to an invitation to accept Christ as my personal Saviour, but whilst I responded with my emotions to Him, I didn’t really have a full understanding of what I was doing, or of what He had done on the Cross for me.

Shortly after that time my family and I emigrated to New Zealand. The first year in particular, was very hard for me. I didn’t fit in and I got a lot of racial taunts about being a ‘Pom’. I used to read my prayer book, sing hymns and pray in my room every night. Then, one day a girl came and sat next to me in music class. I didn’t know why she wanted to sit by me, as I was not liked, and wondered what she was after: I was very suspicious. Well, Lizzie took time to get to know me. She not only told me about the love of God, but she also showed me His love. She invited me places and was patient and answered all the questions I had. She was particularly long-suffering: I was not that nice a person to be around, with low self-esteem and lots of moods. I remember the evening, aged fifteen, I lay among a group of Christian girls in my sleeping bag and said the sinner’s prayer. I had already prayed earlier that evening and told Jesus I loved Him and wanted to follow Him. I was so amazed by the love of the other girls the next morning, welcoming me into God’s family, but in many ways I was still suspicious.

It would be so great to write that after that I lived a perfect life, never made a mistake and lived happily ever after, but we live in the real world, a fallen world of pain and problems. There were many issues I had to work through. Unfortunately, I struggled much, especially with physical temptations. When I was 16 my parents split up and we returned to the UK to live. Reverse culture shock hit badly: I no longer fitted into the place I’d come from in the UK. Also, church life seemed so dry to me. I couldn’t find the same love, acceptance and spiritual life I had experienced in New Zealand, and I eventually, at age 19, gave up the struggle and told the Lord I would try and make my own way from now on.

For about 6 years I tried to live my own life. I kidded myself that if I didn’t believe in God I could do whatever I liked…I was answerable to no one. Well, that philosophy ensured that I ended up very sad and pretty much alone. Then one day I realised “Hey, I’m the one in the story of the Prodigal Son who is eating the pigswill.” I thought, “How can I go back to God and tell Him I’m sorry after all that I’ve done?” Then I thought that if there was a one in a million chance that God would take me back I was going to go for it! I did and I still am. I realised this time how important it was to continually walk with Jesus and keep short accounts with God so I didn’t drift away again.

The Lord has been gracious. I am now in my forties. He has blessed me so much, with a husband and two children who all love me. My past is all forgiven and I am moving onward with the love and support of my church family, as I seek to fulfil my God-given destiny. I have been aware of Christ’s presence, especially through the many tough times I have faced, in that I have a deep assurance of His love for me and of His great forgiveness. He gives me opportunities to encourage and show His love to others. When I make a mistake He helps me up and gives me strength to carry on. I cannot imagine going back to my way of doing things and am so thankful that I don’t have to. God gives us His blueprint to follow, and it brings a deep contentment and inner joy to be called a child of The King.